wtf… you’re a triple threat!

During our Christmas party, WIP flirts shamelessly with another coworker from our Houston* office.  The whole night, she throws herself at him with her ditzy conversations and every time, the coworker tries to desperately run away from her grasp.. with not much luck.  WIP is lazy (i.e. late or no show every Monday), stupid (i.e. 2ft 6 inches.. errrr… equals 31.2 inches!!) and to no one’s surprise.. slutty.  Observe.

WIP: I’m so drunk right now.  Can I sleep over your hotel room?
Coworker: Umm…
WIP: I don’t think I can drive back. Can I sleep over?
Coworker: I guess..??

wtf… you’re a triple threat.

wtf… wtf???

2010, you would think that things would change around here. WRONG.

WIP: Here’s the measurement: 2ft 6 inches by 6ft
Coworker:  Can you convert that all into inches?
WIP: Oh, okay.  (Goes back to her desk… Comes back 10 minutes later) 31.2 inches by 72 inches
Coworker: What?? Where are you getting the .2 inches? I have the calculations right here and I think your number is wrong.
WIP: Umm… no.. are you sure? I did it on my calculator.
Coworker: …
WIP: Let me show you. (types in 2.6 x 12)
Coworker: … It’s not 2.6…
WIP: Umm… yes it is. 2 feet 6 inches, so 2.6.
Coworker: 2 feet equals 24 inches.. then you add 6 inches.
WIP: Oh! I didn’t know that.

WTF.

wtf.. you’re stressing me out

So just like any other Monday morning, WIP walks into work an hour late.  The whole day she complains about her computer not working.  Around 3pm, my boss comes around asking for WIP’s whereabouts.  No one knows where she is.  Boss tries to reach WIP several times on her cell phone – no luck.

The next morning, WIP tells Boss that she left work and didn’t pick up her phone calls because she was stressed.

WTF.

WIP still isn’t fired.

DOUBLE WTF.

wtf.. are you yelling at your phone?

I’m in the restroom and someone’s office pager phone starts to ring its sing songy digitalized churchbell-like ringtone.

“bla-bling~” “bla-bling~”

I come out to wash my hands, and it’s still ringing.

“bla-bling~” “bla-bling~”
wip: *loud sigh*

“bla-bling~” “bla-bling~”
wip: “ugh…”

“bla-bling~” “bla-bling~” “bla-bling~”
wip: “STOP IT!!”

…

Just as I finish washing my hands, the lady comes out of her stall. I glance over.

She is the executive assistant to the president of our company.

wtf… please don’t bend over again

I have a supervisor who is on the heavy side. Not a bad looking face, but extremely curvy and most definitely qualifies as obese.

One day as she was getting up to snatch leftover food from a meeting, I stopped her to ask a pressing question that needed an answer ASAP.  She remembers some document she has on hand for this. She hurriedly (must go get some of that grub) turns around and reaches for the lower drawer of her cabinet. As she bends over, it’s quite a sight.

She’s wearing these worn out lime green thongs-that were once probably neon-a little too high. It probably feels like a bad wedgie. She REALLY graced my view with her huge, saggy, dry skinned, cottage cheese butt cheeks being squeezed out from under her tight fitting elastic low rise pants.

Grroossss.

wtf.. why are you always late on Mondays?!!

I have a dentist appointment in the morning, so will be in little late.

Thanks!
WIP.

My response:

Do you know what weekends are for? Weekends are for those “appointments.”  Besides, you’re late EVERY Monday.  I think our company should implement a “Doctor’s note” policy just so that I know you’re coming up with excuses.

Also, don’t thank me after every email.  Your “Thanks!” makes me want to punch you in the face.  What are you thanking me for?

Thanks!

Me

wtf.. take some advil..

I’m having horrible headache and backache. Will be little late this morning.

WIP.

My response:

It’s called old age.  Take some advil and get your ass to work.

Thanks!

Me

wtf.. another monday morning..

I’m sick having a bad cold and sorethroat, so won’t be able to come in today. Will try to check email periodically.

Thanks!
WIP.

UGH. Just another Monday.

wtf.. what kind of stomachache is contagious?

Boss goes on vacation and WIP decides that she is not going to show up to work either.  She writes the following:

I have a cough and I don’t want to go in and cough on you guys and make you sick. I’ll come in when I feel better.

Then she’s a no-show for three days straight – no emails, no phone calls.  I call her and leave her messages since  I end up having to do her work.  No response.  Thankfully, Boss calls me:

Boss: How’s everything going?
Me: WIP hasn’t been into work for three days and she’s not responding to emails and phone calls.  I am taking over all her jobs and I need to speak to her about them.
Boss: What?? Let me call her.

Boss calls me back 10  minutes later -
Boss: WIP says that she has a stomachache.

WTF. What kind of stomachache makes you cough? And how is it contagious??? And the WIP skipped out on the rest of the week with her “cough/stomachache.”

I feel like a chump for doing her work.

 

wtf.. how did you pass elementary school math?

At the end of very year, we organize all our files and folders into boxes and I was talking to WIP about how many boxes we would need to order -

Me: Let’s see.  There are two rows of 10, plus we can have 5 boxes on the side, so ten times two plus five is 25.  Let’s go ahead and order 25 boxes.
WIP: … (looking frantically for something)
Me:  Yeah?
WIP:  (finds a calculator and types in 10 x 2) So 20 and 5 more?
Me: Yes… 25.
WIP: (plugs in + 5) 25.

wtf.. did you really need a calculator to calculate that???